Jokes - Page 2

Fetch

 The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.

 "You need to make sure the dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch the ball."

 "I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.

 "Why not?" the doctor asked.

 "Because," she replied, "He can't throw, duh."



Flight School

 A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it, and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

Annual Check Up

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

 "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

 The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.

 And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

 Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

 The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

 "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

 "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

Software Engineering

 At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

 
Successful Ice Fishing

 Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all, while the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," is the reply.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," the successful fisherman repeats.

"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you." The man spits something into his hand and says very clearly,

 "You've got to keep your worms warm."

Bush and Osama

 Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They
sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.
They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and
whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female
Dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They
selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and
removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they
came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage
needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange
looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for
Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10
seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up,
the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards
Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged
the American Dachshund -- but, when it got close enough to bite, the
Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.
There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't
understand how this could have happened. We had our best people
working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female
dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic
surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."