Jokes - Page 1

Free Speech

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.  

 "What for?" he snapped at the judge.

 His Honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

 Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

 The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words.




SIGNS THAT YOUR ARE NO LONGER A KID

  You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

  You can live without sex but not without glasses.

  Your back goes out more than you do.

  You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

  You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

  You are proud of your lawnmower.

  Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.

  Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

  You sing along with the elevator music.

  You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

  You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

  You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

  You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

  You make an appointment to see the dentist.

  You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

  Neighbors borrow your tools.

  People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

  You have a dream about prunes.

  You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"

  You send money to PBS.

  The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

  You take a metal detector to the beach.

  You wear black socks with sandals.

  You know what the word "equity" means.

  You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

  Your ears are hairier than your head.

  You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

  You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You got cable for the weather channel.  (Weather Channel "Old Folks MTV"?)

  You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

The Verdict

 The DA stared at the jury, unable to believe the "not guilty" verdict he'd just heard. Bitterly, he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"

The foreman answered, "Insanity."

The attorney responded, still incredulous, "I could understand that. . .but
- all twelve of you?"

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

 That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

 Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

 See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

 Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

 Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

 Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

 I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

 I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

 It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

 This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

 Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

 Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

 He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

 Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu

The Four Engineers

 One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.

The car broke down.

 The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke."

 The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas."

 The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system."

 All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"

 The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."

Losing Weight

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

 "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

 When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

 "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

 The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

 "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.